Choose your love; love your choice!

“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. “ – The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Husbands and wives are supposed to be equal partners. Their roles are different from one another’s but not more/less important. Spouses are to stand side-by-side with one another just like with a pair of oxen. A team of oxen is to be equally yoked- meaning well matched/paired up based on size, strength, ability to work as a team, coordination and/or other pertinent attributes. When a good pair is made, the team is successful at hauling extremely heavy loads. They coordinate their movements to work together, without one or the other slacking and making it harder on the other. They step together, they hit the yoke together, and they endure the haul together. Just like those strong creatures, we too (with our chosen spouse) are a team, a pair, ready to pull our load together! We must stay true to one another, not thinking one is better or more capable than the other. It takes the strength and determination of both members of the partnership! We made our choice when we were married and now it is time to pull, together! “ 'Choose your love; love your choice.' There is great wisdom in those few words. Commitment in marriage is absolutely essential.” —Thomas S. Monson

President and Sister Hinckley were a great example of being supportive partners that didn’t try to control or reign over one another. They said the following in a church magazine interview:

Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said that your husband “always let me do my own thing. He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.” How has he done that? 

Sister Hinckley: He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesn’t try to rule or dominate me. 

Church magazines: President, you have said: “Some husbands regard it as their prerogative to compel their wives to fit their standards of what they think to be the ideal. It never works.” How have you avoided doing this with Sister Hinckley? 

President Hinckley: I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life
(Marjorie Pay and Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, October 2003, pp. 22, 27).

My Hen Party

Being raised in the church and having gone through the temple, I was always very aware and thankful for the law of chastity. But as I prepared for marriage, I became even more grateful for insights of how that law could and should be a blessing in my marriage.

The night before I got married, all of my sisters and sisters-in-law gathered with me in the upstairs room of a cute dessert café for what was deemed a “Hen Party”. They shared with me their thoughts and feelings about sexual intimacy. They didn’t speak or explain anything in a vulgar or inappropriate manner; they spoke of it all delicately and tastefully, being sure to not share private details that rightfully belonged between them and their husbands. They wanted to help me understand that beyond just having sex, our marriage could be strengthened by the appropriate use and approach of marital intimacy. With the perspective of six different women who were lovingly willing to share insights with me, I gained a unique set of expectations for marital intimacy. It was so wonderful, so positive and so helpful as I entered the unknown realm of being sexually intimate with my husband.

Photo by Emilie Ann Photography

Their insights were so perfectly aligned with the doctrine in the article by Brent A. Barlow titled They Twain Shall Be One about marital intimacy. In that article, Barlow points out several causes of marital intimacy struggles:

• “difficulty stems from mistaken ideas. Some people still believe that sexual intimacy is a necessary evil by which we have children. These people get an inaccurate view from parents who were too embarrassed to discuss such matters with their children or who were so concerned that their children live the law of chastity that they taught only the negative consequences of the improper use of intimacy.”

• “mistaken interpretations of biblical verses.” Thinking that women are simply meant to submit to their husbands sexual desires. “[the scriptures] make[s] plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness.”
• “Partners… feel uncomfortable discussing this intimate subject. And they sometimes assume that their intimate relationship should just “naturally” work out and that to discuss it means something has gone wrong. This is simply not true.”

• “unwisely limit[ing] its use or uses it inappropriately. Sexuality should be an integral part of loving and giving. Any use which doesn’t include these feelings is improper.

• Finding a balance in its uses: “While creating children is an integral and beautiful aspect of marital intimacy, to use it only for that purpose is to deny its great potential as an expression of love, commitment, and unity. On the other hand, there are couples who seem to feel that the only reason for sexuality is physical gratification. These people become so obsessed with the achievement of sensation that the emotion of love is all but forgotten. Still others use sexuality as a weapon or a bargaining tool. This is not only a misuse of a God-given privilege, it shows great selfishness on the part of one or both partners and makes sexuality a destructive rather than a unifying element in marriage.”

• “Lack of information about men’s and women’s sexual expressions and feelings… old stereotypes, mistakenly perceiving women as being less sexual than men… But recent research indicates that the capacity for sexual response in women is just as great, and in some cases even greater, than that of males. Recognizing this can help both partners be more aware of and sensitive to the other’s desires and expectations.” These perceptions can also be affected by the portrayal of men and women in the media.

• physical or psychological problems. This may include issues rooted in a history of abuse and can be positively addressed by a professional who can offer help.

• “selfishness. I doubt that there is any human relationship better than marriage to teach us the need for Christlike love—that unqualified and unconditional love that persuades us to think more of another than we think of ourselves.” “the problem isn’t necessarily that husbands and wives don’t know how to love each other, but that “people don’t know how to love people.” We tend to do for others what would make us happy if someone would do the same for us. And afterward we wonder why the other person isn’t happy.”

Without studying or reading this talk, my sisters miraculously taught me all of those same things (and several other points they have found significant in their years of experience) as they shared their own thoughts and insights. They took the time to lovingly help me understand the details and positive outcomes of the proper use of intimacy in marriage. They taught doctrine. The spirit was present during the conversation. They shared how important that bond is for their relationship with their husband-even after many years of marriage, family experiences, struggles of raising children and the many other challenges of this life. My sisters are all so amazing. I am forever grateful for their help, perspectives and insights that allowed me to establish a healthy foundation for intimacy in my own marriage!!! I wish that everyone could have the same experience of a Hen Party before they get married.

Bath Towels vs. Marriage

A lesson that I have learned in my own experiences is that when I disagree with Dan I need not turn away or shut down. I need not turn inward and have a pity-party because he doesn’t understand. I need to strive to understand myself and why I feel the way I do. Then I need to understand Dan's desires and the background that is influencing his opinion. I also need to help him understand what is motivating my strong feelings about the issue. We need to have a reasonable and rational conversation. We need to be willing to understand one another.

I first learned this lesson in a disagreement over bath towels. We had registered for and been given bath towels for our wedding. Upon their arrival, I decided that I didn’t love them like I thought I would when I put them on our online registry. We returned them for Amazon.com credit. I wanted to buy towels from Costco instead. We went to Costco and purchased them with cash we had been given for our wedding. When we got home, the issue struck. He hadn’t wanted to spend money on the towels and finally let it be known. Thankfully I am unable to recall all of the details but things kind of exploded. They ended with us being dramatically on the opposite point of view but for the wrong reasons. (He told me that all though it hadn’t been his favorite decision, he wanted me to keep the towels. I told him that I would take them back. He told me not to. Knowing how much it bugged him, I no longer wanted them. Both of us were unreasonable, uptight and dramatic.)

After this issue calmed down, we talked more calmly about it. We tried to understand one another’s reasonable thoughts that were motivating each opinion.

To him a towel was a towel; we each had a couple mismatched ones we had been using through our college years, they were fulfilling our need for the time being. In his mind, the cash was more important to save. He felt the weight of the responsibility as husband to provide. He wanted us to practice wise spending habits. He was trying to be a good husband and be able to take care of me.
For me, the beginning of our marriage (with the help and kindness of loved ones) was a time to get many of the household goods that would start off our home. It was an opportunity to get a bed, matching dishes, a vacuum, throw pillows, a bedspread, cooking utensils, a TV, bath mats… and towels. Ones that were high quality, that I liked and that I would be proud to set out for house guests. I was trying to be a good wife and a cute homemaker.

When we took the time to understand one another and the hopes, dreams and aspirations of each other, we were able to be united again and see the lack of importance in $50 worth of towels. Our marriage and relationship was worth far more than $50.

Toothpaste Struggles...

Photo by Amy Bollwinkel Photography

As a newly wed, it is fun to live with your best friend. Sleepovers every night are the best. You can say goodnight to each other and not have to get in your cars and drive to your own homes every night. But sometimes the adjustment of living with a full-time, in-your-space-and-every-action/decision-roommate is less than fun. Actually, sometimes it is plain hard. It can be emotionally challenging to make the adjustment. It is a good thing to experience but that doesn’t make it less tricky.

I am not going to lie- I have some OCD tendencies. And when I stop to think about it, I feel bad for Dan. I am sure it is hard for him to try to remember and accommodate my wishes. And it is hard for me to recognize how insignificant the results of his actions are on everything else. But I enjoyed reading this snippet this week. It brought some peace to know that I am not alone in my craziness.

“I like to squeeze the toothpaste very systematically from the bottom of the tube making sure that every particle is methodically herded toward the nozzle… After emptying any part of the tube, I fold it so that none of the toothpaste can retreat and hide. I can easily justify my system as tidy and frugal. When [my wife] grabs the tube in the middle and thoughtlessly squeezes, a shudder runs through my soul. She seems like a good person . . . how could she act in such a reckless way?
Just as a Book of Mormon king was willing to give away all his sins to know God (Alma 22:18), I must be willing to give away all my petty preferences in order to know the godliness in [my wife]’s soul. I don’t lecture her or condescend to her. I may explain my method, but when it is clear that she is not going to be a conscientious paste-holder, I simply buy a clip to clamp on my tiny folds.
Of course this applies to toothpastes, dirty socks, and messy kitchen counters—and much more! “

I need to buy clips or just let more things go. I need to remember that my world will not come crashing down if the shower curtain gets left bunched up while it is wet, or if dishes get left in places other than the sink. It shouldn’t matter if things get folded the way I’d like them or not. My husband puts forth so much effort in everything he does. He is so often motivated by his desires to make me happy. I should graciously and whole-heartedly accept his efforts and let it go.

“Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration. … we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls.
In the day-to-day struggles of marriage we may fail to see that this ultimate sacrifice qualifies us for the ultimate reward. We shall “inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths”—all that the Father hath (see D&C 132:19)!
This total willingness to sacrifice must not be misunderstood. This is not the same as becoming a gelatinous blob with no form or purpose. This ultimate sacrifice is combined with obedience and informed by the gospel of Jesus Christ to provide an appropriate sacrifice. As God would have it, our whole-soul offerings are likely to bless our partners even as they refine us.”

I love this concept of practicing consecration in our marriages. As spouses, we are meant to lift and support one another in our weaknesses. We are to minister to, to pray for, to love and to bless one another. Always.

“Consecration has everything to do with marriage. It is much more than “staying together for the kids.” It is acting to redeem our partners and our covenants with everything we have and everything we may draw from heaven. We do all of this in order to establish Zion in our homes.”

How important that is- to support Zion in our homes! And that is only possible if we are consecrated in our marriages.

Flawed Thinking: "Happy Wife, Happy Life"

The mindset of "happy wife, happy life" can be abused if not applied carefully. When I hear it in society, I fear that people assume it is the responsibility of the husband to wait of their wife hand and foot. This is not the role of a husband. And it is not someone else's job to create your happiness. Happiness is your own choice.

But to me, there is merit to the saying "happy wife, happy life". In my mind, the idea of this statement is meant for a husband to recognize that his wife has different priorities, want and needs than he may have. It is a reminder for him to be aware of her emotional needs and be willing to figure out what makes her happy. Once those these are identified, he should be willing to help fulfill those needs where appropriate.

This statement can and should be reversed for happy husbands too! Although it is less catchy "happy husbands, happy life" is just as true! It is not a one way street. A wife needs to be aware of her husband's needs, wants and desires too. She should strive to help make her husband happy.

"One great problem in this, as in all other aspects of marriage, is selfishness. I doubt that there is any human relationship better than marriage to teach us the need for Christlike love—that unqualified and unconditional love that persuades us to think more of another than we think of ourselves. Yet few of us, even those of us in a seemingly good marriage, have learned to do this as well as we could or should. It’s not always easy to put all other considerations aside and look to our companion to see what his or her needs are and then do our best to fulfill them. One young wife said that the problem isn’t necessarily that husbands and wives don’t know how to love each other, but that “people don’t know how to love people.” We tend to do for others what would make us happy if someone would do the same for us. And afterward we wonder why the other person isn’t happy. One great key to success in marriage is to find out what would make our spouse happy and then to find joy in providing that happiness." -Brent A. Barlow 

When this approach is taken and each spouse is doing doing all that they can to care, serve and love for the other, it will be a very happy relationship. Marriage requires give and take. Relationships are happier when filled with service.

"When we are feeling irked, annoyed or irritated with our spouse, we have our back towards heaven. We are guilty of pride. In a spiritual sense we are saying to our spouses, "You are not meeting my needs the way that I would like them to be met. Don't you realize that is your job?! Your every act is to be dedicated to my happiness. Now hop to it!" (Goddard).

Instead of feeling that our spouse is neglecting our needs, we should flip that way of thought and constantly be striving to serve and love our spouse, determining to never let them feel that way towards you. I do not mean this is a score-keeping kind of way, but just a golden rule kind of way; Do unto others as you would have done unto you. If both spouses were to take this approach, they would draw closer to one another, become better friends, be happier and more kind. Blessings flow when we take a selfless approach to our marital relationship instead of a selfish one.

Dan fearlessly hiked to the top of Mt. Fuji with me in August, despite struggling with severe altitude sickness.
He is STRONG! He is BRAVE! He is COURAGEOUS! And he goes along with my crazy ideas. 

As Dan and I have been moving and preparing for the move, stress levels have been high. Our normal levels of natural service toward one another has been lower than normal. Especially from me to Dan. But he is wonderful. He is always thinking what I would appreciate. He is always trying to anticipate what I might enjoy or what would make me happy. He is the MVP in my life. I have honestly been such a grump trying to make sure I get all of the little things taken care of on both ends. Yet he happily stands by me and loves me through these rough patches. He goes along with my crazy ideas. He asks what I need and what I would like. He cares about my feelings. He tries to lessen my stress. Dan is selfless. I love him.

Like ships in the night...

It is easy to get caught up in our own needs and schedules in life. As a husband and wife, we each have a lot going on: school, work, church, household responsibilities, exercise, etc. and it only gets busier when kids are added to the picture. Amid these many demands, I can easily picture a couple losing interest in one another and passing by like ships in the night as they go about their own activities. In order to retain our relationship, we have to be intentional.

“…being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.” (John M. Gottman)

We have to choose to spend time together. Simple to-do tasks such as grocery shopping, running errands, exercising, getting gas, folding laundry, doing dishes and so on, are little moments that only take one person to accomplish the task but when you choose to be together, you are bringing meaning to the ordinary events and transforming them into extraordinary moments together.

Another HUGE way to help your marriage relationship to remain strong is to be strong in your faith in Christ.

“When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities". (President Ezra Taft Benson)

As you and your spouse strengthen your faith in and obedience to God and the Savior, we cannot help but also come closer to each other! It is easy to see in the triangle depiction of an eternal marriage relationship, God at the top and each spouse in a bottom corner. As we move up towards Him, we are brought closer together too!

“When we have an eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different. Filled with faith, we might adapt Jesus’ advice as our mantra: ”Look unto me in every thought; doubt not fear not” (D&C 6:36). I would add “fret not, panic not.” (H. Wallace Goddard)

Acting in faith to live the gospel closes the gap that can come between spouses in our busy world. It helps us to reprioritize, retain an eternal perspective and choose to help serve and lift one another.

Marriage is not convenient. Once married, you get less sleep, you put in more work, you have to pay attention and be considerate of another human being. You have more responsibilities and less freedom. You have to plan and think things through. It is not easy. But it is the Lord’s way of obtaining a FULNESS of JOY!

Marriage takes sacrifice and effort.

“Married couples are tried by temptation, misunderstandings, financial problems, family crises, and illness, and all the while love grows stronger. Mature love has a bliss not even imagined by newlyweds.” - President Boyd K. Packer

Figuring out what efforts and sacrifices need to be made to strengthen and build your own marriage is an individual matter. It takes thought and prayer. It can be fun and lighthearted though J President Packer suggested that “two essential ingredients to a successful marriage are a cookie and a kiss”. It can start with a simple act of service; a nice note or a kind action for your spouse. If you cultivate that type of relationship, when the harder times and bigger issues hit, you will be in the habit and way of thinking that resembles, “What can I do to ease their burden or cheer them up”. You will be used to helping and lifting in the ways that mean a lot to them. You will be used to communicating not just in words but in deeds.

Just like the saying “nothing worth having comes easily”, a happy, healthy and successful marriage doesn’t just happen. It takes intentional and continuous effort. When we put work and effort into our marriage, we appreciate it more!

I have seen it with Dan. As we each make an effort to be more aware of one another’s care/comfort and strive to improve it, we find greater happiness in making each other happy.

Dating Dan (still!)

Not long ago, I had back to back trips across the continent to help my siblings with their kids. It took me away from Dan for more than two weeks. Those two weeks were hard. Phone calls are great and all, but I longed to be with my person. I missed our spontaneous silly adventures. Like when we slept out on our balcony just for fun. Or when we met at a carnival just to walk around together after a long day apart. Or walked the pier just to spend time together. Or camped in our living room.

We agreed to plan a really fun date for when I got home.

I am so grateful for Dan. I'm grateful that he is willing to keep dating me.

So many marriages fail in today's society. According to Dr. John M. Gottman's theory, this is because they don't nurture their friendship. I can see truth in this. If you have lost the friendship with your spouse, when the struggles surface, there is less of a desire to understand things from their perspective, less of a desire to help lift their load and less desire to council together. You begin to lead parallel lives instead of working together to co-pilot your life together.

To avoid so many struggles that come form the challenges that every relationship encounters, you MUST date your spouse. You must set aside time regularly to nurture and strengthen your bond with one another. A marriage does not stay strong by happenstance. It has to be intentional. Life changes and you change as you move through it. You have to continue to get to know one another.

You don't have to spend a ton of money. Your dates don't have to be extravagant. You don't have to even necessarily leave the house. As President Uchtdorf taught, "In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e"! That is what really matters- that we put in the time.

Protect Your Person

Photo by Amy Bollwinkel Photography

Dan is My Person. He is the one I run to with my struggles. He is very loyal and I never worry about him walking all over my tender feelings. He is thoughtful and caring. He lifts me up when I am feeling down.

But he is human and so am I. We do not have a perfect marriage. Sometimes we struggle to communicate effectively. Occasionally we forget things. We are unaware. We get irritated. We run late. We fall short. We drop the ball. We are human.

And that is okay.

As long as we keep trying.

And I don't mean the "try" halfheartedly given by a middle school student to their least favorite teacher, in their least favorite subject, in response to a requested confirmation that an assignment will get done over the weekend. The student never intends to do the assignment. They will be far too busy attending the football game and pulling an all-nighter with their friends.

I mean the REAL try. The kind of trying that is required to keep a marriage alive. The kind of try that is true and honest commitment. The kind of trying that slowly turns a stranger into your person.

Marriage requires spouses to try.

I love the comparison of Elder Hafen when he likened Christ’s parable of the hireling to marriage.

“Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” 2 Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other”.

The wolves that come to our marriages can be anything. They can be struggles of raising a difficult child, misaligned priorities, financial stresses, poor communication, disrespect, neglect, abuse, etc. The list could be forever long. The point is that the struggles WILL come!

Elder Hafen suggests that a, “husband and wife in a covenant marriage sustain and lift each other when the wolf comes”. There is not room for an attitude of “I’m putting in some effort, now meet me halfway”. In this scenario, it is hard to know what halfway truly is. You are keeping score, holding grudges and harboring ill feelings. Instead we need to both put in 100% of the effort and pray for heavenly help. In this way, we will always have our bases covered.

A temple marriage is more than just a couple. It is a family affair. It is the act of sealing together two individuals in a huge web of God’s eternal families. We need to be fully committed to our spouse. We need to be fully committed to our covenants. We need to remain faithful. We need to retain an eternal perspective. We must always beg to have heaven’s help in our relationship and our home. This is how we succeed when the wolves appear! This is how we survive and enjoyably to return to our Father’s presence!

Photo by Emilie Ann Photography

The family is under attack on many fronts in our day. One attack is by muddling the issues of the definition of “marriage” itself and who is able to participate in a legal/civil union. Many issues have surfaced as same-sex couples have desired to be legally recognized and joined. We know that the Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples have the right to be married and by so doing, they redefined marriage for our country. I do not necessarily oppose their ruling that same-sex couples should be able to be legally joined together if that is their wish, however I struggle with their new definition. I wish that the general public would see a distinction between the terms “civil/legal union” and “marriage”.

Civil union: 

If a couple wants to be viewed in the legal realm as being together, regardless of their sex or sexual attraction, nothing should be questioned or restricted by the government. It is easier to be recognized as a household if there is a legal union. This legal union permits protection to the couple and allows them to share benefits. It simplifies life together. It does not harm anyone else. I believe they should be able to be legally joined if that is their desire. (I am not talking about morals here, just legal acknowledgement that they are unified within the world.)

Marriage: 

This way of life was set by God and has been accepted throughout all time, by societies, cultures and people around the world. Marriage between one man and one woman has been the social ideal since the beginning of time. I love that the Supreme Court case even noted this,

   

“The centrality of marriage to the human condition makes it unsurprising that the institution has existed for millennia and across civilizations. Since the dawn of history, marriage has transformed strangers into relatives, binding families and societies together. Confucius taught that marriage lies at the foundation of government… This wisdom was echoed centuries later and half a world away by Cicero, who wrote, “The first bond of society is marriage; next, children; and then the family.”

To take it a step further, marriage is the sacred union between a husband and a wife and God. It is the foundation of the ideal family. My struggles come into play as government and society try to change what God has defined. They cannot change His definition of marriage or family without serious consequences.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen explains some of the issues that arise as/if same-sex marriages are accepted:

“France, which is not exactly the most conservative country in the world, rejected gay marriage in 2006, because its parliament concluded that these marriages run counter to the best interests of children and the future society.  France was not ready, as a matter of conscious public policy choice, to throw out its babies with the bathwater of gay activism.  They concluded that marriage should serve a child’s right to optimal personal development, rather than primarily serving adult interests that trump children’s interests.”

“ marriage [is viewed] as a social institution. …marriage is inevitably built around children, and every country that has adopted same-gender marriage has soon afterward authorized adoption and surrogate gestation by same-gender couples.  But, they concluded, France could “no longer systematically place [the] aspirations of adults ahead” of children’s needs and rights. “

“Insofar as possible, it said, each child has the right to know and be cared for by — and be bonded to — his or her biological parents.  Biological bonding combined with legal bonding inherently creates the most lasting and stable adult-child relationships, which provides the emotional and legal security required for optimal child development. Occasional adoptions may be necessary in exceptional cases, but there are plenty of stable heterosexual married couples who wish to adopt all available adoptive children.   The French report said that to accept a public policy that consciously places children with homosexual adults increases the risks to children who are already at risk because they feel identity confusion and abandonment by their biological parents. To ignore this need is to discriminate against these children.  Adoption is about a child’s right to a regular family, not merely about an adult’s right to a child.”

“So France rejected same-gender marriage so that children “do not suffer as a result of situations imposed on them by adults.  The interest of the child must outweigh the exercise of freedom by adults, whatever life choices are made by the parents.”  This view takes marriage away from the private, adults-only world of gay and lesbian lifestyles and returns it to its original place as society’s primary social institution.”

(http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/elder-bruce-c-hafen-speaks-on-same-sex-attraction) 

In similar and dissimilar ways to those expressed in connection to  France, our view of “the ideal family” has disintegrated over time. As such, our nation is not as strong as it once was. To build that national strength again, we need to strengthen our smallest units; our families. If that is to be done, society needs to accept an ideal to strive for. The common sayings of “if you aim for nothing, you will hit it every time” and “if you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there” take on new meaning in this light. Dissolving or changing the cultural definition of marriage the way that it was done with the Supreme Court case greatly affects the ideal and in turn, society.

It is universally accepted that procreation takes one man and one woman. Procreation is the means by which a family is created. A family is established from a marriage. Therefore, marriage between one man and one woman must be our ideal for it was the ideal established by our Creator. We need to help society see that if we are to gain strength, it must start in our home, within our families.

Again, I want to reiterate: My issue lies with the government redefining marriage. The legalization of same gender union is separate in my mind and I wish it would have been more separate in the court case too. I wish we would be better with the distinction between marriage and legal union.

Photo Credit: http://emilieannphotography.com/

Marriage is vital in God’s plan of happiness for His children. Marriage between and man and a woman promotes stable families.

God sends us to Earth to live in families to help us be happy and feel His love. Families bring stability, peace, comfort and love to its individual members.

In today’s world, divorce is growing ever more common. I believe for many, if their marriage were built and sustained on divine love that may be different.
Spencer W. Kimball taught,

“Divine love is not like that association of the world which is misnamed love, but which is mostly physical attraction. When marriage is based on this only, the parties soon tire of each other. There is a break and a divorce, and a new, fresher physical attraction comes with another marriage, which in turn may only last until it too becomes stale. The love of which the Lord speaks is not only physical attraction, but also faith, confidence, understanding, and partnership. It is devotion and companionship, parenthood, common ideals and standards. It is cleanliness of life and sacrifice and unselfishness. This kind of love never tires nor wanes. It lives on through sickness and sorrow, through prosperity and privation, through accomplishment and disappointment, through time and eternity.”

In saying this, I do not mean to overlook the fact that there are definitely circumstances which call for divorce, i.e. abuse, neglect, betrayal etc. However, I am not going to even touch those. I am speaking more to those who divorce for convenience, to look for a more comfortable fit, because they don’t feel anything anymore. Divorce or separation is not the solution for these situations. These call for repentance and change. They require effort to fight for strength in their marriage.

Marriage and family are truly the fundamental units of society. If we want strength to return to our nation, we need to worry less about what is happening in The White House and more what is happening in OUR HOUSE. We need to teach and share the truths that are found in the gospel of Jesus Christ. We need to strengthen the family unit!

I believe, as stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World,

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live…

Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners…

We warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.” (https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&old=true)

Marriage is essential to God’s plan of happiness. Strong families are vital to having a strong nation. We need to work to obtain divine love for our spouses and to keep our marriage and family strong. Don’t turn to divorce as a universal solution, turn to Christ.

In my own marriage, I don’t let myself see divorce as an option. When there are problems, my husband and I have to talk it out and try to understand one another. We have to pray. We have to read the scriptures. We have to be willing to see things from one another’s perspectives. We have to be willing to give and take.

I am grateful for Dan who loves me in my weak moments. He sees the good in me when I can’t see it in myself. He is my friend and my cheerleader. He is kind and loyal. He is the father I want for my future children. We are not perfect but I hope that we may continue to develop divine love for one another and always cultivate a closeness between us. This will translate into the lives of our children when they one day join our family.

Save the Family, Janice Kapp Perry: https://open.spotify.com/track/1lruNnRyuMy6HJGKf99Woo