Choose your love; love your choice!

“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. “ – The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Husbands and wives are supposed to be equal partners. Their roles are different from one another’s but not more/less important. Spouses are to stand side-by-side with one another just like with a pair of oxen. A team of oxen is to be equally yoked- meaning well matched/paired up based on size, strength, ability to work as a team, coordination and/or other pertinent attributes. When a good pair is made, the team is successful at hauling extremely heavy loads. They coordinate their movements to work together, without one or the other slacking and making it harder on the other. They step together, they hit the yoke together, and they endure the haul together. Just like those strong creatures, we too (with our chosen spouse) are a team, a pair, ready to pull our load together! We must stay true to one another, not thinking one is better or more capable than the other. It takes the strength and determination of both members of the partnership! We made our choice when we were married and now it is time to pull, together! “ 'Choose your love; love your choice.' There is great wisdom in those few words. Commitment in marriage is absolutely essential.” —Thomas S. Monson

President and Sister Hinckley were a great example of being supportive partners that didn’t try to control or reign over one another. They said the following in a church magazine interview:

Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said that your husband “always let me do my own thing. He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.” How has he done that? 

Sister Hinckley: He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesn’t try to rule or dominate me. 

Church magazines: President, you have said: “Some husbands regard it as their prerogative to compel their wives to fit their standards of what they think to be the ideal. It never works.” How have you avoided doing this with Sister Hinckley? 

President Hinckley: I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life
(Marjorie Pay and Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, October 2003, pp. 22, 27).

My Hen Party

Being raised in the church and having gone through the temple, I was always very aware and thankful for the law of chastity. But as I prepared for marriage, I became even more grateful for insights of how that law could and should be a blessing in my marriage.

The night before I got married, all of my sisters and sisters-in-law gathered with me in the upstairs room of a cute dessert café for what was deemed a “Hen Party”. They shared with me their thoughts and feelings about sexual intimacy. They didn’t speak or explain anything in a vulgar or inappropriate manner; they spoke of it all delicately and tastefully, being sure to not share private details that rightfully belonged between them and their husbands. They wanted to help me understand that beyond just having sex, our marriage could be strengthened by the appropriate use and approach of marital intimacy. With the perspective of six different women who were lovingly willing to share insights with me, I gained a unique set of expectations for marital intimacy. It was so wonderful, so positive and so helpful as I entered the unknown realm of being sexually intimate with my husband.

Photo by Emilie Ann Photography

Their insights were so perfectly aligned with the doctrine in the article by Brent A. Barlow titled They Twain Shall Be One about marital intimacy. In that article, Barlow points out several causes of marital intimacy struggles:

• “difficulty stems from mistaken ideas. Some people still believe that sexual intimacy is a necessary evil by which we have children. These people get an inaccurate view from parents who were too embarrassed to discuss such matters with their children or who were so concerned that their children live the law of chastity that they taught only the negative consequences of the improper use of intimacy.”

• “mistaken interpretations of biblical verses.” Thinking that women are simply meant to submit to their husbands sexual desires. “[the scriptures] make[s] plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness.”
• “Partners… feel uncomfortable discussing this intimate subject. And they sometimes assume that their intimate relationship should just “naturally” work out and that to discuss it means something has gone wrong. This is simply not true.”

• “unwisely limit[ing] its use or uses it inappropriately. Sexuality should be an integral part of loving and giving. Any use which doesn’t include these feelings is improper.

• Finding a balance in its uses: “While creating children is an integral and beautiful aspect of marital intimacy, to use it only for that purpose is to deny its great potential as an expression of love, commitment, and unity. On the other hand, there are couples who seem to feel that the only reason for sexuality is physical gratification. These people become so obsessed with the achievement of sensation that the emotion of love is all but forgotten. Still others use sexuality as a weapon or a bargaining tool. This is not only a misuse of a God-given privilege, it shows great selfishness on the part of one or both partners and makes sexuality a destructive rather than a unifying element in marriage.”

• “Lack of information about men’s and women’s sexual expressions and feelings… old stereotypes, mistakenly perceiving women as being less sexual than men… But recent research indicates that the capacity for sexual response in women is just as great, and in some cases even greater, than that of males. Recognizing this can help both partners be more aware of and sensitive to the other’s desires and expectations.” These perceptions can also be affected by the portrayal of men and women in the media.

• physical or psychological problems. This may include issues rooted in a history of abuse and can be positively addressed by a professional who can offer help.

• “selfishness. I doubt that there is any human relationship better than marriage to teach us the need for Christlike love—that unqualified and unconditional love that persuades us to think more of another than we think of ourselves.” “the problem isn’t necessarily that husbands and wives don’t know how to love each other, but that “people don’t know how to love people.” We tend to do for others what would make us happy if someone would do the same for us. And afterward we wonder why the other person isn’t happy.”

Without studying or reading this talk, my sisters miraculously taught me all of those same things (and several other points they have found significant in their years of experience) as they shared their own thoughts and insights. They took the time to lovingly help me understand the details and positive outcomes of the proper use of intimacy in marriage. They taught doctrine. The spirit was present during the conversation. They shared how important that bond is for their relationship with their husband-even after many years of marriage, family experiences, struggles of raising children and the many other challenges of this life. My sisters are all so amazing. I am forever grateful for their help, perspectives and insights that allowed me to establish a healthy foundation for intimacy in my own marriage!!! I wish that everyone could have the same experience of a Hen Party before they get married.

Bath Towels vs. Marriage

A lesson that I have learned in my own experiences is that when I disagree with Dan I need not turn away or shut down. I need not turn inward and have a pity-party because he doesn’t understand. I need to strive to understand myself and why I feel the way I do. Then I need to understand Dan's desires and the background that is influencing his opinion. I also need to help him understand what is motivating my strong feelings about the issue. We need to have a reasonable and rational conversation. We need to be willing to understand one another.

I first learned this lesson in a disagreement over bath towels. We had registered for and been given bath towels for our wedding. Upon their arrival, I decided that I didn’t love them like I thought I would when I put them on our online registry. We returned them for Amazon.com credit. I wanted to buy towels from Costco instead. We went to Costco and purchased them with cash we had been given for our wedding. When we got home, the issue struck. He hadn’t wanted to spend money on the towels and finally let it be known. Thankfully I am unable to recall all of the details but things kind of exploded. They ended with us being dramatically on the opposite point of view but for the wrong reasons. (He told me that all though it hadn’t been his favorite decision, he wanted me to keep the towels. I told him that I would take them back. He told me not to. Knowing how much it bugged him, I no longer wanted them. Both of us were unreasonable, uptight and dramatic.)

After this issue calmed down, we talked more calmly about it. We tried to understand one another’s reasonable thoughts that were motivating each opinion.

To him a towel was a towel; we each had a couple mismatched ones we had been using through our college years, they were fulfilling our need for the time being. In his mind, the cash was more important to save. He felt the weight of the responsibility as husband to provide. He wanted us to practice wise spending habits. He was trying to be a good husband and be able to take care of me.
For me, the beginning of our marriage (with the help and kindness of loved ones) was a time to get many of the household goods that would start off our home. It was an opportunity to get a bed, matching dishes, a vacuum, throw pillows, a bedspread, cooking utensils, a TV, bath mats… and towels. Ones that were high quality, that I liked and that I would be proud to set out for house guests. I was trying to be a good wife and a cute homemaker.

When we took the time to understand one another and the hopes, dreams and aspirations of each other, we were able to be united again and see the lack of importance in $50 worth of towels. Our marriage and relationship was worth far more than $50.

Toothpaste Struggles...

Photo by Amy Bollwinkel Photography

As a newly wed, it is fun to live with your best friend. Sleepovers every night are the best. You can say goodnight to each other and not have to get in your cars and drive to your own homes every night. But sometimes the adjustment of living with a full-time, in-your-space-and-every-action/decision-roommate is less than fun. Actually, sometimes it is plain hard. It can be emotionally challenging to make the adjustment. It is a good thing to experience but that doesn’t make it less tricky.

I am not going to lie- I have some OCD tendencies. And when I stop to think about it, I feel bad for Dan. I am sure it is hard for him to try to remember and accommodate my wishes. And it is hard for me to recognize how insignificant the results of his actions are on everything else. But I enjoyed reading this snippet this week. It brought some peace to know that I am not alone in my craziness.

“I like to squeeze the toothpaste very systematically from the bottom of the tube making sure that every particle is methodically herded toward the nozzle… After emptying any part of the tube, I fold it so that none of the toothpaste can retreat and hide. I can easily justify my system as tidy and frugal. When [my wife] grabs the tube in the middle and thoughtlessly squeezes, a shudder runs through my soul. She seems like a good person . . . how could she act in such a reckless way?
Just as a Book of Mormon king was willing to give away all his sins to know God (Alma 22:18), I must be willing to give away all my petty preferences in order to know the godliness in [my wife]’s soul. I don’t lecture her or condescend to her. I may explain my method, but when it is clear that she is not going to be a conscientious paste-holder, I simply buy a clip to clamp on my tiny folds.
Of course this applies to toothpastes, dirty socks, and messy kitchen counters—and much more! “

I need to buy clips or just let more things go. I need to remember that my world will not come crashing down if the shower curtain gets left bunched up while it is wet, or if dishes get left in places other than the sink. It shouldn’t matter if things get folded the way I’d like them or not. My husband puts forth so much effort in everything he does. He is so often motivated by his desires to make me happy. I should graciously and whole-heartedly accept his efforts and let it go.

“Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration. … we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls.
In the day-to-day struggles of marriage we may fail to see that this ultimate sacrifice qualifies us for the ultimate reward. We shall “inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths”—all that the Father hath (see D&C 132:19)!
This total willingness to sacrifice must not be misunderstood. This is not the same as becoming a gelatinous blob with no form or purpose. This ultimate sacrifice is combined with obedience and informed by the gospel of Jesus Christ to provide an appropriate sacrifice. As God would have it, our whole-soul offerings are likely to bless our partners even as they refine us.”

I love this concept of practicing consecration in our marriages. As spouses, we are meant to lift and support one another in our weaknesses. We are to minister to, to pray for, to love and to bless one another. Always.

“Consecration has everything to do with marriage. It is much more than “staying together for the kids.” It is acting to redeem our partners and our covenants with everything we have and everything we may draw from heaven. We do all of this in order to establish Zion in our homes.”

How important that is- to support Zion in our homes! And that is only possible if we are consecrated in our marriages.

Flawed Thinking: "Happy Wife, Happy Life"

The mindset of "happy wife, happy life" can be abused if not applied carefully. When I hear it in society, I fear that people assume it is the responsibility of the husband to wait of their wife hand and foot. This is not the role of a husband. And it is not someone else's job to create your happiness. Happiness is your own choice.

But to me, there is merit to the saying "happy wife, happy life". In my mind, the idea of this statement is meant for a husband to recognize that his wife has different priorities, want and needs than he may have. It is a reminder for him to be aware of her emotional needs and be willing to figure out what makes her happy. Once those these are identified, he should be willing to help fulfill those needs where appropriate.

This statement can and should be reversed for happy husbands too! Although it is less catchy "happy husbands, happy life" is just as true! It is not a one way street. A wife needs to be aware of her husband's needs, wants and desires too. She should strive to help make her husband happy.

"One great problem in this, as in all other aspects of marriage, is selfishness. I doubt that there is any human relationship better than marriage to teach us the need for Christlike love—that unqualified and unconditional love that persuades us to think more of another than we think of ourselves. Yet few of us, even those of us in a seemingly good marriage, have learned to do this as well as we could or should. It’s not always easy to put all other considerations aside and look to our companion to see what his or her needs are and then do our best to fulfill them. One young wife said that the problem isn’t necessarily that husbands and wives don’t know how to love each other, but that “people don’t know how to love people.” We tend to do for others what would make us happy if someone would do the same for us. And afterward we wonder why the other person isn’t happy. One great key to success in marriage is to find out what would make our spouse happy and then to find joy in providing that happiness." -Brent A. Barlow 

When this approach is taken and each spouse is doing doing all that they can to care, serve and love for the other, it will be a very happy relationship. Marriage requires give and take. Relationships are happier when filled with service.

"When we are feeling irked, annoyed or irritated with our spouse, we have our back towards heaven. We are guilty of pride. In a spiritual sense we are saying to our spouses, "You are not meeting my needs the way that I would like them to be met. Don't you realize that is your job?! Your every act is to be dedicated to my happiness. Now hop to it!" (Goddard).

Instead of feeling that our spouse is neglecting our needs, we should flip that way of thought and constantly be striving to serve and love our spouse, determining to never let them feel that way towards you. I do not mean this is a score-keeping kind of way, but just a golden rule kind of way; Do unto others as you would have done unto you. If both spouses were to take this approach, they would draw closer to one another, become better friends, be happier and more kind. Blessings flow when we take a selfless approach to our marital relationship instead of a selfish one.

Dan fearlessly hiked to the top of Mt. Fuji with me in August, despite struggling with severe altitude sickness.
He is STRONG! He is BRAVE! He is COURAGEOUS! And he goes along with my crazy ideas. 

As Dan and I have been moving and preparing for the move, stress levels have been high. Our normal levels of natural service toward one another has been lower than normal. Especially from me to Dan. But he is wonderful. He is always thinking what I would appreciate. He is always trying to anticipate what I might enjoy or what would make me happy. He is the MVP in my life. I have honestly been such a grump trying to make sure I get all of the little things taken care of on both ends. Yet he happily stands by me and loves me through these rough patches. He goes along with my crazy ideas. He asks what I need and what I would like. He cares about my feelings. He tries to lessen my stress. Dan is selfless. I love him.

Like ships in the night...

It is easy to get caught up in our own needs and schedules in life. As a husband and wife, we each have a lot going on: school, work, church, household responsibilities, exercise, etc. and it only gets busier when kids are added to the picture. Amid these many demands, I can easily picture a couple losing interest in one another and passing by like ships in the night as they go about their own activities. In order to retain our relationship, we have to be intentional.

“…being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.” (John M. Gottman)

We have to choose to spend time together. Simple to-do tasks such as grocery shopping, running errands, exercising, getting gas, folding laundry, doing dishes and so on, are little moments that only take one person to accomplish the task but when you choose to be together, you are bringing meaning to the ordinary events and transforming them into extraordinary moments together.

Another HUGE way to help your marriage relationship to remain strong is to be strong in your faith in Christ.

“When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities". (President Ezra Taft Benson)

As you and your spouse strengthen your faith in and obedience to God and the Savior, we cannot help but also come closer to each other! It is easy to see in the triangle depiction of an eternal marriage relationship, God at the top and each spouse in a bottom corner. As we move up towards Him, we are brought closer together too!

“When we have an eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different. Filled with faith, we might adapt Jesus’ advice as our mantra: ”Look unto me in every thought; doubt not fear not” (D&C 6:36). I would add “fret not, panic not.” (H. Wallace Goddard)

Acting in faith to live the gospel closes the gap that can come between spouses in our busy world. It helps us to reprioritize, retain an eternal perspective and choose to help serve and lift one another.

Marriage is not convenient. Once married, you get less sleep, you put in more work, you have to pay attention and be considerate of another human being. You have more responsibilities and less freedom. You have to plan and think things through. It is not easy. But it is the Lord’s way of obtaining a FULNESS of JOY!

Marriage takes sacrifice and effort.

“Married couples are tried by temptation, misunderstandings, financial problems, family crises, and illness, and all the while love grows stronger. Mature love has a bliss not even imagined by newlyweds.” - President Boyd K. Packer

Figuring out what efforts and sacrifices need to be made to strengthen and build your own marriage is an individual matter. It takes thought and prayer. It can be fun and lighthearted though J President Packer suggested that “two essential ingredients to a successful marriage are a cookie and a kiss”. It can start with a simple act of service; a nice note or a kind action for your spouse. If you cultivate that type of relationship, when the harder times and bigger issues hit, you will be in the habit and way of thinking that resembles, “What can I do to ease their burden or cheer them up”. You will be used to helping and lifting in the ways that mean a lot to them. You will be used to communicating not just in words but in deeds.

Just like the saying “nothing worth having comes easily”, a happy, healthy and successful marriage doesn’t just happen. It takes intentional and continuous effort. When we put work and effort into our marriage, we appreciate it more!

I have seen it with Dan. As we each make an effort to be more aware of one another’s care/comfort and strive to improve it, we find greater happiness in making each other happy.