Like ships in the night...

It is easy to get caught up in our own needs and schedules in life. As a husband and wife, we each have a lot going on: school, work, church, household responsibilities, exercise, etc. and it only gets busier when kids are added to the picture. Amid these many demands, I can easily picture a couple losing interest in one another and passing by like ships in the night as they go about their own activities. In order to retain our relationship, we have to be intentional.

“…being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.” (John M. Gottman)

We have to choose to spend time together. Simple to-do tasks such as grocery shopping, running errands, exercising, getting gas, folding laundry, doing dishes and so on, are little moments that only take one person to accomplish the task but when you choose to be together, you are bringing meaning to the ordinary events and transforming them into extraordinary moments together.

Another HUGE way to help your marriage relationship to remain strong is to be strong in your faith in Christ.

“When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities". (President Ezra Taft Benson)

As you and your spouse strengthen your faith in and obedience to God and the Savior, we cannot help but also come closer to each other! It is easy to see in the triangle depiction of an eternal marriage relationship, God at the top and each spouse in a bottom corner. As we move up towards Him, we are brought closer together too!

“When we have an eternal perspective on our marriages, everything is different. Filled with faith, we might adapt Jesus’ advice as our mantra: ”Look unto me in every thought; doubt not fear not” (D&C 6:36). I would add “fret not, panic not.” (H. Wallace Goddard)

Acting in faith to live the gospel closes the gap that can come between spouses in our busy world. It helps us to reprioritize, retain an eternal perspective and choose to help serve and lift one another.

Marriage is not convenient. Once married, you get less sleep, you put in more work, you have to pay attention and be considerate of another human being. You have more responsibilities and less freedom. You have to plan and think things through. It is not easy. But it is the Lord’s way of obtaining a FULNESS of JOY!

Marriage takes sacrifice and effort.

“Married couples are tried by temptation, misunderstandings, financial problems, family crises, and illness, and all the while love grows stronger. Mature love has a bliss not even imagined by newlyweds.” - President Boyd K. Packer

Figuring out what efforts and sacrifices need to be made to strengthen and build your own marriage is an individual matter. It takes thought and prayer. It can be fun and lighthearted though J President Packer suggested that “two essential ingredients to a successful marriage are a cookie and a kiss”. It can start with a simple act of service; a nice note or a kind action for your spouse. If you cultivate that type of relationship, when the harder times and bigger issues hit, you will be in the habit and way of thinking that resembles, “What can I do to ease their burden or cheer them up”. You will be used to helping and lifting in the ways that mean a lot to them. You will be used to communicating not just in words but in deeds.

Just like the saying “nothing worth having comes easily”, a happy, healthy and successful marriage doesn’t just happen. It takes intentional and continuous effort. When we put work and effort into our marriage, we appreciate it more!

I have seen it with Dan. As we each make an effort to be more aware of one another’s care/comfort and strive to improve it, we find greater happiness in making each other happy.

Dating Dan (still!)

Not long ago, I had back to back trips across the continent to help my siblings with their kids. It took me away from Dan for more than two weeks. Those two weeks were hard. Phone calls are great and all, but I longed to be with my person. I missed our spontaneous silly adventures. Like when we slept out on our balcony just for fun. Or when we met at a carnival just to walk around together after a long day apart. Or walked the pier just to spend time together. Or camped in our living room.

We agreed to plan a really fun date for when I got home.

I am so grateful for Dan. I'm grateful that he is willing to keep dating me.

So many marriages fail in today's society. According to Dr. John M. Gottman's theory, this is because they don't nurture their friendship. I can see truth in this. If you have lost the friendship with your spouse, when the struggles surface, there is less of a desire to understand things from their perspective, less of a desire to help lift their load and less desire to council together. You begin to lead parallel lives instead of working together to co-pilot your life together.

To avoid so many struggles that come form the challenges that every relationship encounters, you MUST date your spouse. You must set aside time regularly to nurture and strengthen your bond with one another. A marriage does not stay strong by happenstance. It has to be intentional. Life changes and you change as you move through it. You have to continue to get to know one another.

You don't have to spend a ton of money. Your dates don't have to be extravagant. You don't have to even necessarily leave the house. As President Uchtdorf taught, "In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e"! That is what really matters- that we put in the time.

Protect Your Person

Photo by Amy Bollwinkel Photography

Dan is My Person. He is the one I run to with my struggles. He is very loyal and I never worry about him walking all over my tender feelings. He is thoughtful and caring. He lifts me up when I am feeling down.

But he is human and so am I. We do not have a perfect marriage. Sometimes we struggle to communicate effectively. Occasionally we forget things. We are unaware. We get irritated. We run late. We fall short. We drop the ball. We are human.

And that is okay.

As long as we keep trying.

And I don't mean the "try" halfheartedly given by a middle school student to their least favorite teacher, in their least favorite subject, in response to a requested confirmation that an assignment will get done over the weekend. The student never intends to do the assignment. They will be far too busy attending the football game and pulling an all-nighter with their friends.

I mean the REAL try. The kind of trying that is required to keep a marriage alive. The kind of try that is true and honest commitment. The kind of trying that slowly turns a stranger into your person.

Marriage requires spouses to try.

I love the comparison of Elder Hafen when he likened Christ’s parable of the hireling to marriage.

“Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” 2 Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other”.

The wolves that come to our marriages can be anything. They can be struggles of raising a difficult child, misaligned priorities, financial stresses, poor communication, disrespect, neglect, abuse, etc. The list could be forever long. The point is that the struggles WILL come!

Elder Hafen suggests that a, “husband and wife in a covenant marriage sustain and lift each other when the wolf comes”. There is not room for an attitude of “I’m putting in some effort, now meet me halfway”. In this scenario, it is hard to know what halfway truly is. You are keeping score, holding grudges and harboring ill feelings. Instead we need to both put in 100% of the effort and pray for heavenly help. In this way, we will always have our bases covered.

A temple marriage is more than just a couple. It is a family affair. It is the act of sealing together two individuals in a huge web of God’s eternal families. We need to be fully committed to our spouse. We need to be fully committed to our covenants. We need to remain faithful. We need to retain an eternal perspective. We must always beg to have heaven’s help in our relationship and our home. This is how we succeed when the wolves appear! This is how we survive and enjoyably to return to our Father’s presence!